Things you want to say:
You make me nervous. You seem so sure of yourself. You know what you want in life. What would you want with someone who is so frivolous? Who would rather lay around watching television all day? Who wants to travel the world, instead of settling down? I’m your pastime, aren’t I? I’m the girl you go to when you’re bored because you know that I will never say anything to you about how I feel. I’m the stopover. I don’t want to be the stopover, though. I’m tired of being someone’s maybe, but never someone’s definitely. I want definitely. I want to be told that my whimsical ways are okay – we can figure out everything, together. I know what I want in life, but I’m at a crossroads. I’m tired of being mediocre, but I don’t know how to pass that stage in my life.
I don’t actually have anything to say, really. I just want to burst into tears at any given moment. I hold it together, so that when people ask me if I’m fine, I’ve convinced myself so much that I am, that I can easily grin at them and say, “What? Of course!” I need downtime, all the time, but there’s never any time.
Why should you let men treat you like you’re a toy? A person who they can call and you come running, because you know deep down you’re lonely and you feel like the only way to fill the void is to have some sort of male presence in your life. You go for the unobtainable ones. The ones who take forever to text back. The ones that when you go out twice, there’s really not much to say but the sex is great. You like the way he compliments you on your skills. You like the way you can back up into him. You like it all. Yet you feel uneasy afterwards on the way home. You’re not sure if he actually wants something other than sex from you. You feel that it’s too early to bring it up – you barely know each other. Yet, there’s this feeling. All of these feelings. It always comes down to feelings at the end of the day. How do you play this game? Someone should teach you because you feel like you’re losing. A lot.
Your only release is writing words on a page that you know no-one will ever read. You want to be open about your feelings, you want to be that person who is straight up about everything, but you know you will never be that person. Not yet. Perhaps in the future, but you’re not at a point in your life to be compromising yourself like that. Putting yourself out there is scary. Too scary. You’re so tired. Too tired of all the bullshit.
When will you find someone who will appreciate you and want to show you off to the world, and who treats you like a queen? Not someone who is texts you that they “need someone cute to lay next to them”, but never actually makes plans to meet you in real life. You’re not about the online relationships anymore. The last time completely ruined you. Not someone who makes plans with you, but when it comes to the actual date has nothing to say. Not someone who is so fucking boring.
Watching films and seeing people being happy makes you want to cry because you want to be that person. That person who knows exactly who they are and what they want. Deep down, you know what you want – you’re just finding it hard to obtain that dream because maybe, just maybe, you’re trying too hard. Maybe, after all, it is like the films and it will just fall all into place. The next step? Stop chasing. Stop chasing after things that you know will never go anywhere. Have your fun. Hell, have your fun – but always think about you. Put yourself first. Put your needs first. Make your own dreams come true. Don’t sink into anyone’s “dick sand”.
If you could write a letter to yourself dated a couple of months back, what would you say?
Would you tell yourself not to go for that guy? Would you tell yourself not to date two guys at the same time? Would you tell yourself to be more honest with people? Your best friend. Your mother. Yourself. Would you tell yourself to enjoy the single life more? Were you just in the game because you, as mentioned before, were trying to fill a void? You learned. You lived. You maybe loved. It was an experience and you’re better off for it – so, perhaps, you needn’t change anything. Everything we do in life sets up the next step to where we are meant to be. The people around us, the everyday actions we do, what we read, listen and watch all have an effect on our lives. We are a product of everything we interact with. It may be a good thing, it may be a bad thing – only you would know that for sure.
Write everyday. Lose yourself in a good book. Watch a really funny film. Do something that keeps you active because otherwise you will sink into a hole of self-pity – something that you know full well you shouldn’t be in. You’re lucky. You think you have it hard, but if you truly, really, madly, deeply think about it – you are lucky. You have a job. You have friends. You have a family who supports you. The only way to get what you want now is to be a go-getter. Write that fucking book that you tell everyone so arduously about, but haven’t actually written anything further in years. Write short stories. Write for your blog. Write about everything. Become inspired. Realise that you don’t need to go travelling to be inspired. That writer’s block you keep thinking is there? IT DOESN’T EXIST. That is yourself putting up a wall because you’re scared. Remember when you used to write about everything and anything and had no cares in the world? Be that person, again. Writer’s block is a psychological thing that you made up yourself, and if you wanted to write you just would. You’re doing it now. Look at those fingers go, girl. You got this. You’re going to become the next superstar. You’re going to write a book and you don’t even care if it’s not a bestseller – you’re going to write a fucking book and you’re gonna achieve your goal.
This is something that needs to be published. You need to put this up there to show people that you’re not afraid to write about your feelings anymore. You’re free. You’ve always been free, but it just took you a long time to see that.